Will the real Captain Cuckoo Bananas Please Stand up?

OK, so this is not real news, but it sure is fun!

Tom Cruise Has Lived Before!

Cruise, 43, told how he has known and loved his latest fiancee, Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes, "many times in many lives before".

He said: "When I was languishing in prison before being sent to exile, she used to send me notes hidden inthe collar of her pug dog. She's my eternal soulmate."

* * *

And at his news conference, a Scientology-themed event with selected reporters from his fan club's newsletter, he claimed that Brooke was the lover of the founder of modern psychiatry, Sigmund Freud, in a previous life.

He said: "I could tell you stories about Brooke.

"She was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his discredited theories? She's so confused.

I hear he gives money to Democrats, so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on him. You might be thinking that we can use his crazy somehow, but we never we able to exploit Ashcroft's crazy, so your plan better be good.