Glad I am not in Texas right now...

...because it is hotter than a fur coat in Marfa. It's so hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs. It's hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July, hotter than a stolen tamale, hot as a pot of neck bones. It's even hotter than two gophers fucking in a wool sock.

(More Texas sayings about the weather)

Stress on power grid sparks rolling blackouts across Texas
In Austin, power shut off 10 minutes at a time Monday afternoon throughout city

The 100-degree mark at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport broke the date's record high of 97 set in 1987 and the record for any day in April — 99 degrees on April 19, 1951. At Camp Mabry, Monday's high of 99 degrees topped the daily record of 97 set in 1920.

Sweltering summer could be in store for Texas

April's unexpected warm-up sent temperatures surging to 101 degrees Monday in Dallas, rewriting weather records, triggering rolling electric blackouts and offering an early taste of what could be a hot, dry summer even by Texas standards.

[...]

Besides setting a record high temperature for the date, easily eclipsing the old record of 94 set in 1913 and equaled in 1925, Monday's high of 101 at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport broke the record for the hottest-ever April temperature.

It also marked the third earliest 100-degree day in the books and shattered the daily record for electrical consumption across most of Texas.

The heat seems to have inspired John Kelso, who is on a tear:

Gay ol' time had by all – except Bush
Tuesday, April 18, 2006

On Monday, the Easter Bunny's eggs weren't the only things that didn't want to be found on the White House lawn.

President Bush didn't want to be seen out there, either. At least, not for long.

Oh, sure, Bush made an appearance at the annual Easter egg roll. But he made sure to hightail it out of there before all the gay couples showed up with their families. The president rubbing elbows with those people would cost the Republicans votes.

And, as we all know, people in the red states don't vote for Brokeback Bunny.

[...]

I figure George split early because there was no proper photo opportunity for a self-proclaimed war president: no soldiers, no cops and no old guys in VFW hats. Just a bunch of snot-nosed brats rolling eggs around with a spoon.

See, when Bush makes an appearance, he loves to show up on the evening news with hundreds of big Marines in uniform sitting behind him in folding chairs, applauding every time he flaps his gums. And since this was an Easter event, that wasn't likely to happen.

Maybe what Bush should have done was have Donald Rumsfeld make an appearance as the Easter bunny. At least it would give the old goat a way to hide from all those retired generals who want to stew him. That way, he could apply for seasonal work at Wal-Mart.

[...]

You know what I've never figured out about the Easter egg thing? How did the eggs pop out to start with? There are two constants in Easter marketing stunts: the Easter bunny and chicken eggs. How'd they get here with a rabbit and no chicken?

Here's one possibility. Maybe George laid all the eggs on the White House lawn by himself. Maybe George is the missing chicken. I mean, after all, he was too chicken to stay around until the gays showed up, right?

Ouch.